The Take and Give of Love
A sermon by
1 Corinthians 13
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SERMON: The Take and Give of Love
Several years ago, an old friend of mine was divorced. He had been in training as a counselor, and changed a great deal in the process. When his wife didn't make a corresponding change, he found himself a girlfriend, and got a divorce.
Some time later, I found that one of the big problems of such counseling programs is a high divorce rate among graduates. My friend's experience had not been unusual. Extensive therapy changes a person; the reasons they married no longer apply, and the divorce follows.
As a counselor-friend told me:
"We marry to fulfill a set of needs.
When we change, those needs change.
Our husbands and wives often don't fulfill those new needs,
and divorce follows."
I recently saw Shelly Winters explain her view of love, and it echoed this idea. She said:
"You love someone because he fulfills what you need,
and he loves you because you fulfill what he needs."
The implication is that, when those needs change, it is time to move on. In her interview, Miss Winters told how she had moved on, and on, and on, and so on.
Now this is not a sermon on divorce. I am not saying that people should never divorce. This is a sermon about love, and the subject of love gets all wrapped up with marriage.
Now compare Shelley Winter's view of love with that of the Apostle Paul, who said:
"Love does not insist on its own way...;
Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
Love never ends."
Either Shelley Winters is wrong or Paul is wrong. We have to give Miss Winters credit for describing what we see, but we have to give Paul credit for describing what we want to see.
Perhaps Shelley Winters is describing what love really is--something we take for as long as it serves our purposes—and Paul is just describing an ideal--something that really is not possible for human beings. But no. We see Paul's unselfish kind of love too. We see people who really do love without calculating the rate of return. We have been loved unselfishly, and we have loved unselfishly. Paul's kind of love does exist.
The problem is not that either Miss Winters or the Bible is wrong. The problem is that we have one word--"love"-- to describe a whole range of feelings and behavior. The one word is not adequate. Miss Winters described love. Paul described love. But they are two very different loves.
The Greeks had a better system. They had four words. Three of the kinds of love that they described are based on our needs, just as Miss Winters said. The fourth is based on what we can give. C. S. Lewis called them "need-loves" and "gift-loves."
I have listed these four words in the bulletin. Follow along as I explain them.
The first word for love is storge, or affection. We might call it family love or kinship. It is the love that parents feel for their child, and the child feels for the parent.
This might look like a gift-love, because parents do give unselfishly in many cases. But "storge" needs to be needed. A mother, feeling "storge" would feel cheated if her baby suddenly became self-sufficient and didn't need her anymore. Most mothers would be happy for their baby to become self-sufficient with regard to the plumbing, but a mother feeling "storge" enjoys the dependence the baby has on her."Storge" is a "need-love" in that it needs to be needed.
The second Greek word for love is philos, or brotherly love. This is the easiest to remember, because the Quakers used the word "philos" to name their city, Philadelphia-- "the city of Brotherly Love."
C. S. Lewis helps me to picture "philos" when he says: Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest. It is this "seeing with the same eye," sharing a truth, that characterizes "philos."
Lewis says that this is why people who just want friends can't find them. Being a friend means seeing the same truth. If you care nothing about the truth, and simply want a friend, there is nothing for the friendship to be about. Friendship must be about something, even if it is as trivial as dominoes or white mice.
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The third love is eros, or what we call "being' in love." Eros is sexual love, but it isn't just sex. It is the love of a particular person.
When a man says simply: "I need a woman," that isn't eros--it is just hormones. But when he can't get Jane Smith off his mind, that is eros.
There is much information and much myth about eros in our culture. Magazipes build subscriptions with eros; movies and television thrive on it; billboards proclaim it; children sell blue-jeans with it.
The myth is that all happiness depends on eros. The fact is that there isn't much of a direct linkage between eros and happiness. When all works right, eros can bring great joy. But millions of long and happy marriages have been arranged by parents in the history of the world, with little consideration of eros. They worked at least as well as marriages in modern America where eros is the primary concern.
Lewis makes the point that eros doesn't aim for happiness; it aims at being together, even if that is painful. You can't separate lovers by proving that their marriage will be unhappy. First, they won't believe it. But more important it is the mark of Eros that we would rather be unhappy with the beloved than with anyone else.
When Miss Winters described love as based on needs, she was speaking of these three kinds of love. She was talking about what we can take from love.
But Paul says:
"I will show you a still more excellent way....
Love is patient and kind;
love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong,
but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends....
Faith, hope, love abide, these three;
but the greatest of these is love."
The word that is used here and most places in the New Testament is agape, or charity. Storge and eros are never used. Philos appears only occasionally.
Agape is a love that is concerned solely with the well-being of the other--it is a "gift- love" rather than a need love." This kind of love is itself a gift of God. We can't successfully decide to love unselfishly, but God shares with us the ability to do so.
All four kinds of love are good, and should be cultivated. You will find many good books on the first three loves. Parent-Effectiveness-Training can teach parents new skills in raising their children. How to Win Friends and Influence People will teach you about "philos." There are libraries of books to teach you about "eros"--how to win the guy or girl, and what to do once you have. Buy the better books; read them; learn from them; cultivate those loves. Most human relationships involve a combination of loves. Develop them.
But agape remains a gift of God. To cultivate it, first cultivate your relationship to God. Let him teach you about unselfish love. Once he has, all the other kinds of love will have a solid foundation, and will give you all the more pleasure.
Copyright 2009, Richard Niell Donovan.